Farr Celebrates Birthday

Washington, D.C. -- Congressman Sam Farr celebrated his 67th birthday on July 4th, at The Borgata in Atlantic City with colleagues. The birthday/Independence Day extravaganza was thrown by House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC), a close friend of Farr.

Although traveling press was not permitted in the private screening room, sources in attendance reported the event to be "off the chain...frankly" and "the shizzle all in her fodrizzle." "That party was crazy-flippin' shit: everybody was shitfaced," added one senior aide.

No public comments were made about the event, except a brief press statement released by the office of Congressman Robert Wexler (D-FL). "Congressman Wexler will not be in attendance during today's [July 5th] session hearing on South American narcoterrorism. Following Washington's record-setting booty call, the Congressman is resting from getting more schwerve than one man can physically handle."

Sources inside The Borgata provided few details to the exclusive event. Partygoes at Farr's birthday collectively consumed more than 500 pints of alcoholic beverages--well over 60 gallons--and ordered $7,000 worth of women's clothing, including dresses, skirts, wigs, and lingerie. After ordering more than 200 bottles of male enhancement tablets (a 3-year supply), two dozen dancers arrived dressed in the unmistakable garb of Congressional Pages. Further details are unclear at this time. The intensity of the party, however, was quite clear when two partygoers were admitted to Atlantic City Medical Center and treated for exhaustion, Congressmen John Salazar (D-CO) and Tim Walberg (R-MI). Less substantively-corroborated rumors include a smuggled twelve-foot bong in the sculpted likeness of a large, paper-mache Sam Farr, handcrafted entirely of laminated House Resolutions and Formica.

Congressman Farr was not available for comment, but when asked of his escapades the next morning on the Senate Floor, the Congressman only vexingly stated, "I cannot elaborate on the nature of the private lives of Representatives. But I wasn't the only one hammered like a nail." He then added, "Bang bang, skeet skeet."

But at the end of the day, the mysterious details of what took place July 4th in the private Borgata screening room is perhaps better left unknown. The consensus in Washington is of a party gone terribly wrong, facilitated by a remarkably unreasonable amount of alcohol. "Don't ask, don't tell," joked a senior-level staffer for Congressman Farr, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity. "When the dancers arrived, [82 year-old] Congressman Dingell jumped on a nearby table and shouted, 'Let's get everyone laid!'" Added another staffer, "It was crazy. Only a few parties can even be mentioned in the same breath. I haven't seen a party like this since Clinton Victory Night '96."

New York Times News Service -- Copyright 2008.